This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately – well, I’ll be honest, for most of my life. The idea of love. And now that Jock and I are approaching our two year anniversary – the longest relationship that either of us has ever had – the thoughts are certainly stronger than ever. And then, as Jock was cleaning out the loft of his parent’s house, he fished out this book. I’m only on page 80 and I feel like this book has entered my life at a seminal moment.

I’d like to share this passage below. Mostly because I feel that my generation especially is one that feels victimized and is “reactive” to the feeling of love. This passage defines for me what love means.

At one seminar where I was speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said, “Stephen, I like what you’re saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I’m really worried. My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”

“The feeling isn’t there anymore?” I asked.

“That’s right,” he reaffirmed. “And we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”

“Love her,” I replied.

“I told you, the feeling just isn’t there anymore.”

“Love her.”

“You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.”

“Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.”

“But how do you love when you don’t love?”

“My friend, love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They’re driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, but a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Dr. Stephen R. Covey

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